I am in a fight right now! I received some news on Friday that was not very good. Unfortunately, the primary pancreatic tumor almost doubled in size. The CT scan also showed some soft tissue changes in the mass, even though there may be fluid changes in the tumor. The radiologist interpreted this as “disease progression”.
We were told from the beginning that pancreatic cancer mutates to reject chemotherapy, but things have been holding pretty steady to this point. We will meet with the doctor before our next chemotherapy in two weeks to discuss details and options.
But, right now I am in a fight. Not that I have given up on the fight against this cancer, but there is a new war going on in my brain. To be quite honest, I am fighting thoughts of depression, defeat, fear, hopelessness, and discouragement. I know I cannot let my mind stay here long. I do not want to waste my days with negative thinking. Negative thoughts quickly pull one down into darkness.
I have a tremendous amount of support through family and friends. I have many things in my life to be thankful for. I have an incredible husband, daughters, and sons-in-laws. Our grandson, Finn, is so funny and so smart. Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for.
I know that God has surrounded me, and my family, with multiple blessings in the past and presently. People have shared that the blogs are helpful to many. I am grateful that God is using them. If I had not gotten this cancer, there may be no “Gail’s Girls” ministry in Southern Asia that we are supporting through Stadia. What a blessing to be a part of this dynamic ministry and legacy. Last year all the support was raised for the first 25 girls, and we are now raising support for another 25 Gail’s Girls! (See www.gailsgirls.org to get involved and if you are willing to continue your support again this year to train young women leaders to transform communities and start new churches).
I know God has the power to heal. I am hearing stories from Southern Asia about how God is healing people. He seems to be using healings as a sign for non-believers to realize He is The One True God. There are many nonbelievers in America also. I would love to be His voice and a miracle here.
I have no question that Christ loves me. I have no question that He has the power to heal. We will continue to ask and seek Him where He can be found all around us. Sometimes I will admit that He seems quiet. Don and I cannot change any of this on our own power. I know I must continue to trust Him.
Don and I had the privilege of speaking with a pastor and his wife in our area, as he was healed from leukemia many years ago. He reassured me that there is no magic formula and no magic words to be speaking to the Lord concerning healing. He only encouraged us to seek the heart of God.
I am fighting to focus on God’s heart as fear and uncertainty cloud around. I am in a fight between doubting God’s plan and His promises. I know Satan is fueling a lot of these thoughts. I am in a fight to enjoy each day and treasure each moment. I am in a fight to keep my eyes focused on Christ and His love, power, blessings, and plan for me. I am in a fight with fear concerning leaving my family and friends, if God’s plan does not include healing. It all comes down to trusting His love and His plan. I know Heaven is a better place than living here. But, still there are thoughts I must fight about the unknown.
This is not a happy blog to read. We all go through times of needing to process information and feelings. I can tell you that the peace I feel in my soul comes from the reassurance of knowing God IS real and that He loved me enough to send His Son, Jesus, in my place so that I can have total forgiveness, grace, and hope of a future beyond this world. I don’t have to understand it all to rest in His hope and experience His peace. He knows my thoughts, my pain, my heart, and my future. And the Holy Spirit intercedes for me when I don’t have the words.
For today, I am focusing on Psalm 119:159-160 (NIV) as I am reading through the Psalms.
159 See how I love your precepts;
preserve my life, Lord, in accordance with your love.
160 All your words are true;
all your righteous laws are eternal.
And Romans 8:26 (NIV)
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”