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Fear Sucks

Don's Journey

The statement “fear not” is found many times in the Bible. Usually the term is used by a representative of God, such as an angel, speaking to a person. If you are sincerely making an effort to follow God, He reassures us that we need not live in fear. Unfortunately, fear is a major driving factor in our culture presently. People who live in fear willingly forfeit their rights in a futile effort to obtain complete security. (But that’s another subject for another day).

Some of you read my previous post concerning the harrowing night Gail passed out in our bedroom. That event prompted something in me that is miserable – fear. Ever since that time, whenever Gail goes to another room in the house and is there too long for me; whenever she talks about some of the pains she experiences, some that seem new; when I see her upset because she cannot eat enough at some meals, and a dozen other events, I become afraid. “Has she fallen? Is she hurt? Is it getting worse?” Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I watch her weight carefully, since rapid weight loss was the trigger that sent her to the doctor in the first place.

We are presently on vacation, and last evening, we were out to dinner. Gail excused herself to go to the restroom. Normal, right? But as I sat there with nothing to do, I started feeling like she was gone too long and a haunting fear rushed through my mind. I was antsy until she returned, after what seemed like an eternity.

I think most people, who know me well would agree that I am not a fearful person. In fact, I have sometimes been too far the opposite of fearful, when I clearly should have been fearful. Some fears are healthy. But cancer has done something in me that nearly nothing else could do; I am afraid. I am afraid something will happen and I won’t be there. I’m afraid that she will be experiencing a serious pain, or nausea, or some other symptom, and she will not tell me about it. I am afraid when I digress into my thoughts and dreams for the future. We both try not to go there, especially since we are requesting a miracle from the Lord. But one cannot cage every thought. I am afraid of being alone.

So, this demon called cancer is forcing me to manage a relatively alien emotion – fear. And, quite frankly, it sucks! I now cling to the simple words from the Lord, “Fear not.”